Feeling Discouraged

I am feeling so very overwhelmed, adoption cost so much more than we thought. I feel like every time we finally find the strength to move forward we get set back even further then before. I have so many emotions running through me it's not even funny, I feel angry that we even have to go through this and that I have to "pay" to have a child, I feel sad that it's coming up on 3 years since we started trying and we have nothing to show for it, and I feel jealous of people with kids. I just feel like Josh and I will never have a child together and that hurts me more than anything. Okay I am done with my rant.

Surrogacy

I have to address this because it is driving me crazy. Josh and I are not ready to do or even talk about using a surrogate, I had a hard enough time thinking about adoption let alone something that we are not wanting to do. I appreciate all the offers I get and believe me I get offers almost every day BUT we are just not wanting to do it. This may change in the future but as of right now I have not had a doctor say "you are just never going to be able to carry a baby," so until this happens we are closed off to the idea of using a surrogate. Again we appreciate the offers we are getting but I don't think a lot of people realize what goes into this. When you do surrogacy I still have to go through everything as if I was to do IVF and while I am doing that you would have to take hormone injections to prepare your body for a pregnancy and then they would transfer the embryo (hoping there is a good enough embryo to transfer) then it's a matter of if the embryo implanted or not, and just because you don't have fertility problems does NOT mean you will get pregnant, even if you have carried a child before there is still a chance that it won't work and most fertility doctors say to expect the first IVF cycle not to work (even for surrogacy), most of the time it takes 2 or 3 times. It's very emotional and time consuming for all people involved.

 I want to carry my own child and feel them kick and have my husband touch my belly to feel the baby move and until I am told that this is not ever going to happen then I will continue going through all the injections, blood work, ultrasounds, retrievals, transfers, heartbreak and tears to make my dream of being able to carry mine and Josh's child come true. If the time ever comes (which I hope it doesn't) where we have no other option but to use a surrogate I already know who I am going to use. Until this all happens we are going to continue with looking into adoption and looking for a new fertility doctor to help us get pregnant.
 Thanks everyone for the support :)

Our Next Step

Josh and I have decided that once we are all settled in our place that we are going to put in for adoption. We are still going to continue our fertility journey and find another doctor who will hopefully be able to help us get pregnant, we figure worse comes to worse we will end up with 2 babies and I don’t feel like that is a bad thing. We are going to adopt in the states and will hopefully have our adoption closed in a couple of years. I am VERY excited but also nervous because it is still an emotional roller coaster. I am still having a hard time excepting that we are not pregnant from our last IVF cycle but as time goes on I have been able to heal little by little. I can’t wait to finally be able to hold my own baby even if they are not biologically mine.  It will probably be a couple of months before my next update but wish us luck on our new journey as well as our continued fertility journey.

2nd IVF Attempt

Josh and I were lucky enough to be converted to IVF at the end of October. Everything started off great; they were able to collect 17 eggs like last time and 13 fertilized on their own! Our embryos made it to day 5 and we had 1 perfect blastocyst and one that was good, Josh and I decided that we didn’t want to take any chances so we asked to transfer both of them instead of just one like they recommend. They were so positive and thought it would work because how perfect the quality was.

This time Josh and I knew it worked, we could just feel it! Everything went too great for it NOT to work. We went on Nov. 10^th for my pregnancy test and I told the nurse “I know it worked, I have no doubt in my mind” she said “I sure hope so; everyone in the office is hoping this is it for you!” We got home and we talked about when we were going to tell people and when we were going to tell Kaedence, we were so excited! Then I got the call from my nurse, she said “It’s not good news”  she got chocked up and said “it was negative, I am so sorry”  I was staring at Josh and my heart dropped, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing  I was waiting for her to say JUST KIDDING. After I hung up the phone Josh and I both hugged each other and cried, we just don’t understand what went wrong. 

People keep telling me to pray and put it in God’s hands but that’s what I have been doing for the past 2 ½ years. I can’t just stop trying and not see a fertility doctor; we have no choice but to do IVF because getting pregnant on our own WILL NOT WORK FOR US! I stress this because so many people keep telling me to “stop trying” even though I have explained to them before that we can’t. I put my faith in God and pray that he hears me and in the mean time we have to spend thousands of dollars on something that isn’t working, and frankly I am angry with God and I know most of you will say that I shouldn’t be but that’s how I feel right now, I am tired of having good things dangled in front of us and then in a blink of an eye it’s gone. We are good people who get crapped on and I am just tired of praying and pleading with God. I know this feeling of anger will go away but right now I am grieving.

 I also can’t stand when people say “it will happen” I have been hearing that for way to long and it gets under my skin, please tell me how you “know” that it will happen? It doesn’t make me feel better when you say it so please stop saying it to me.  I know it’s hard for people to come up with things to say and I don’t expect anyone to say anything to me that will cheer me up, but even just a simple “I hope you are feeling well” works. I really am not trying to be mean or sound rude, but you need to understand that after hearing certain things all the time for 2 years it becomes annoying.

Josh and I have decided to take a break for now and get ready for our move and get settled and then we will start interviewing new doctors. I am sorry if this blog comes off a little angry, I am just not in a good place right now.

Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and prayers, we truly appreciate them.

Grrr....

August we decided to do a round of timed intercourse with injectable meds, even though our chances of getting pregnant without IVF are very, very slim we figured what the hell a chance is a chance. I started my shots and everything seemed to be going pretty well. I went every couple of days for labs and ultra sounds to see how I was doing and they said that I had a ton of follicles which we were happy about. Since everything was going well they talked to us about converting to IVF instead of timed intercourse, we agreed since my body was again responding well that we could give IVF another shot…….I swear my body heard IVF and basically said F YOU! When I went back to my doctor they found that my levels weren’t going up the way they should, these levels are for the hormones that make the eggs grow so they are pretty important. Dr. Horvath talked to us and said that I have a ton of follicles but they are not the size they need to be in order for him to collect them (I feel like a chicken sometimes lol) so after I had a total melt down in his office he said he would increase my meds and see how they are in a couple of days. Well because my body hates me, my hormone levels dropped leaving me with only 3 good follicles and just because they look good doesn’t mean it holds a mature egg. After talking to the nurse she said that Dr. Horvath would do the retrieval if I insisted but he strongly suggested that I don’t go through with it, they didn’t want me to go through such a traumatic thing and not even have eggs to fertilize, so in the end we cancelled our cycle and we are left again saying WTF!

For those of you who don’t know we are moving in November and moving back to Michigan to be with our family and my step daughter Kaedence. Although I am super excited I am so sad to be leaving Dr. Horvath and his staff. It may sound dumb but I think of them as family, they have been my support team for the past 2 ½ years. No matter how bad my situation was they never gave up hope, and to be honest I don’t know if I will ever find a doctor or nurses that care about me as much as they do. I always thought that the reason I would be discharged from his practice was because I was pregnant, boy was I wrong. So if you are or know anyone who is in the New York area and is having a hard time getting pregnant I strongly suggest AlbanyIVF. Don’t let the fact that I didn’t get pregnant from them change your thoughts on them, I’m a freak of nature ;) I was watching the Rachael Ray show yesterday and they had a women on there who ironically named Christina and is 27 (which I am 26) and has been dealing with fertility problems, she is a patient of Dr. Horvath’s and is pregnant with TRIPLETS! Not going to lie I though “UHG, B*TCH…..that is supposed to be me!” haha. Me? Bitter? Nooo. I would have be 15 weeks along as of Wednesday and I think she was around the same. Oh well, at least that means that maybe there will be hope for me. I may complain and say why me!? Blah, blah, blah, BUT I will never give up that’s for damn sure. I have come too far to throw in the towel. Anyway that’s my update/ rant. Wish us luck on our move!

Bad Day!

I hate days like today, all I can think about is having babies and it breaks my heart that it still hasn’t happened for us. I literally know 13 pregnant women………….that’s a lot! It gets frustrating for me because most of these women are on their 2^nd child and started having babies when Josh and I started trying. I had to block all the pregnant women status’s on my Facebook because it just became too much for me, I don’t blame anyone for posting things about their pregnancy, that’s not the case at all because I know damn well if I were pregnant every post would be about being pregnant but what I am going through is so hard that it’s just best that I don’t see those post for now and it seems the more time that passes the more people I have to block lol. I know this is hard to understand for some people and I don’t expect everyone to get it because in reality unless you have been through infertility you DON’T know what it’s like or how it feels to deal with this every day. Yes I could put a smile on my face and bare through the pregnancy announcements but that’s being fake and it makes it hurt even worse, crying and letting it all out helps me deal with it. And people say “it will happen for you, just be patient,” and “just stay positive.” Bitch please I have been patient I have gone through hell and back trying to conceive my FIRST child and still have NOTHING to show for it, and you try going through what I have gone through, all the test and surgeries, shots and fertility treatments all the while putting that damn smile on my face saying “this will be worth it” and “it will work,” but yet nothing seems to help. So yes I will cry and say it’s not fair and why me!? Frankly I think I have that right, I would like to see anyone go through this and not feel what I am feeling. And yes I know there are women who have gone through this but what people don’t understand is EVERY story is different and comparing what I am going through to what someone else is going through just doesn’t work, so in other words just because so and so got pregnant on their own after a failed IVF cycle does not mean I will get pregnant too, so please just stop saying that to me.

I have been reading a book called “The Infertility Survival Handbook” and the first paragraph had me in tears because she described EXACTLY what I am feeling and even though our stories are different all the women who go deal with infertility have all the same emotions run through them. This is the first paragraph of this book.

            “There isn’t any getting around it: having trouble getting pregnant sucks. Watching your friends conceive almost the minute they start trying when you’ve been trying for what feels like forever (and may very well have been forever), hurts. Your friends with newborns talk about nursing, diaper rash, nannies, balancing work and baby, and sleepless nights. You sit mute and jealous. If you offer any advice, your friends look at you with that “you just don’t understand because you don’t have a baby” expression. Friends with babies can’t go out with you and your husband. In fact, forget about seeing them, unless it’s Saturday afternoon Gymboree.

            Your pregnant friend (who all seem to be on baby number two or three by now) complain about how fat they are, how much the baby is kicking, how insensitive their husbands are, and how awful it is to be pregnant  -or- worse pregnant again. You want to scream! Why can’t they shut up and realize how lucky they are? You would give your left arm and right leg to be pregnant.”

            I love this book so far! Anyway, I am not trying to bash all pregnant women and what not, but don’t be offended if I don’t feel like talking about you being pregnant or if I just don’t feel up to going to a kids play date, try to understand that sometimes I am just not up to doing or talking about these things. I know that people don’t know what to say in these situations so my advice is, if you don’t know what to say then don’t say anything and if I come to you crying or whatever I am really just looking for someone to cry on their shoulder so it’s okay that you sit there silent, I won’t be mad I actually prefer it. ;)

Our First IVF Attempt

As you know Josh and I did our first IVF attempt in June, here is what happened. I was on meds for about two weeks to get my ovary to produce as many follicles (they hold the eggs) as possible, because I only have one ovary we were pretty nervous about this! My retrieval was on June 29th, and when I woke up from the egg retrieval they told us that we had 17 eggs! Mind you I have heard of women with BOTH ovaries who only had 7 eggs retrieved so this was awesome! The next day we got a call from the embryologist (they fertilize the eggs and watch the development) she said that out of 17 eggs 13 were mature and 9 fertilized and we were thrilled everything seemed to be going great! The day of the egg transfer will be depends on how the embryos are developing, usually they do the transfer either 3 days after fertilization when the embryo has developed into 8 cells or on day 5 when the embryos become what is called a blastocyst, this is what most people want to happen because when the embryo gets to the point of becoming a blastocyst it will be hatching within a day or two so the chances of implantation to take place is higher with a day 5 transfer. Unfortunately for us they had us do a 3 day transfer because the embryo quality was not that great and felt that the embryos would do better inside of the womb so after some talking we transferred 2 embryos, as for the rest of the embryos 3 made it to day 5 but the cell quality was not good enough to be frozen so we didn't have any to freeze. Then the two week wait began! This is the longest 2 weeks of our lives!!!! 

I started cramping from the day of our transfer which is good because it could be implantation cramping but because of my history of infections they wanted me to come in for some blood work to make sure everything was ok. I asked the nurse how my levels were doing and she said “they are a little low to be pregnant, but it’s still early.” Needless to say I was freaking out I cried for 2 days, I convinced myself that it didn’t work and I still had 6 days left until my pregnancy test. So July 13^th finally came and I was not very positive about what was going to happen, I told Josh to go to work because it was going to be negative so there was no point in being home. Finally the nurse called, she said “I am calling with some unfortunate but good news, your HCG (pregnancy hormone) is 8.4 which means you are pregnant BUT at this point we want to see your HCG at 50 or higher and all your levels are VERY low.” She wanted me to come back in 2 days for more blood work and hopefully my levels would go up.  Josh and I were so excited because we knew this had happened to many women before and they went on to have a normal pregnancy. We figured out when our baby would be due which it would have been March 21^st and when we would find out the sex, we felt as if we won the lottery. Sadly our excitement ended in tears when then next day I started bleeding very badly and ended up passing tissue. I still had to go to the doctor for more blood work and by then my HCG levels were at 1. So now we are left to figure out what to do next, unfortunately we cannot get pregnant on own because my only fallopian tube is blocked and the only way to treat it is to remove it.

 My doctor is left being very confused because he said it should have worked, everything went perfectly.  So again Josh and I are left with heartache, we have had such a horrible year and we thought this was going to be it for us, but we were wrong. I still pray and have faith that we will become pregnant we just don’t know how and when.