Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bad Day!

I hate days like today, all I can think about is having babies and it breaks my heart that it still hasn’t happened for us. I literally know 13 pregnant women………….that’s a lot! It gets frustrating for me because most of these women are on their 2nd child and started having babies when Josh and I started trying. I had to block all the pregnant women status’s on my Facebook because it just became too much for me, I don’t blame anyone for posting things about their pregnancy, that’s not the case at all because I know damn well if I were pregnant every post would be about being pregnant but what I am going through is so hard that it’s just best that I don’t see those post for now and it seems the more time that passes the more people I have to block lol. I know this is hard to understand for some people and I don’t expect everyone to get it because in reality unless you have been through infertility you DON’T know what it’s like or how it feels to deal with this every day. Yes I could put a smile on my face and bare through the pregnancy announcements but that’s being fake and it makes it hurt even worse, crying and letting it all out helps me deal with it. And people say “it will happen for you, just be patient,” and “just stay positive.” Bitch please I have been patient I have gone through hell and back trying to conceive my FIRST child and still have NOTHING to show for it, and you try going through what I have gone through, all the test and surgeries, shots and fertility treatments all the while putting that damn smile on my face saying “this will be worth it” and “it will work,” but yet nothing seems to help. So yes I will cry and say it’s not fair and why me!? Frankly I think I have that right, I would like to see anyone go through this and not feel what I am feeling. And yes I know there are women who have gone through this but what people don’t understand is EVERY story is different and comparing what I am going through to what someone else is going through just doesn’t work, so in other words just because so and so got pregnant on their own after a failed IVF cycle does not mean I will get pregnant too, so please just stop saying that to me.
I have been reading a book called “The Infertility Survival Handbook” and the first paragraph had me in tears because she described EXACTLY what I am feeling and even though our stories are different all the women who go deal with infertility have all the same emotions run through them. This is the first paragraph of this book.
            “There isn’t any getting around it: having trouble getting pregnant sucks. Watching your friends conceive almost the minute they start trying when you’ve been trying for what feels like forever (and may very well have been forever), hurts. Your friends with newborns talk about nursing, diaper rash, nannies, balancing work and baby, and sleepless nights. You sit mute and jealous. If you offer any advice, your friends look at you with that “you just don’t understand because you don’t have a baby” expression. Friends with babies can’t go out with you and your husband. In fact, forget about seeing them, unless it’s Saturday afternoon Gymboree.
            Your pregnant friend (who all seem to be on baby number two or three by now) complain about how fat they are, how much the baby is kicking, how insensitive their husbands are, and how awful it is to be pregnant  -or- worse pregnant again. You want to scream! Why can’t they shut up and realize how lucky they are? You would give your left arm and right leg to be pregnant.”
            I love this book so far! Anyway, I am not trying to bash all pregnant women and what not, but don’t be offended if I don’t feel like talking about you being pregnant or if I just don’t feel up to going to a kids play date, try to understand that sometimes I am just not up to doing or talking about these things. I know that people don’t know what to say in these situations so my advice is, if you don’t know what to say then don’t say anything and if I come to you crying or whatever I am really just looking for someone to cry on their shoulder so it’s okay that you sit there silent, I won’t be mad I actually prefer it. ;)