Sunday, November 13, 2011

2nd IVF Attempt

Josh and I were lucky enough to be converted to IVF at the end of October. Everything started off great; they were able to collect 17 eggs like last time and 13 fertilized on their own! Our embryos made it to day 5 and we had 1 perfect blastocyst and one that was good, Josh and I decided that we didn’t want to take any chances so we asked to transfer both of them instead of just one like they recommend. They were so positive and thought it would work because how perfect the quality was.
This time Josh and I knew it worked, we could just feel it! Everything went too great for it NOT to work. We went on Nov. 10th for my pregnancy test and I told the nurse “I know it worked, I have no doubt in my mind” she said “I sure hope so; everyone in the office is hoping this is it for you!” We got home and we talked about when we were going to tell people and when we were going to tell Kaedence, we were so excited! Then I got the call from my nurse, she said “It’s not good news”  she got chocked up and said “it was negative, I am so sorry”  I was staring at Josh and my heart dropped, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing  I was waiting for her to say JUST KIDDING. After I hung up the phone Josh and I both hugged each other and cried, we just don’t understand what went wrong. 
People keep telling me to pray and put it in God’s hands but that’s what I have been doing for the past 2 ½ years. I can’t just stop trying and not see a fertility doctor; we have no choice but to do IVF because getting pregnant on our own WILL NOT WORK FOR US! I stress this because so many people keep telling me to “stop trying” even though I have explained to them before that we can’t. I put my faith in God and pray that he hears me and in the mean time we have to spend thousands of dollars on something that isn’t working, and frankly I am angry with God and I know most of you will say that I shouldn’t be but that’s how I feel right now, I am tired of having good things dangled in front of us and then in a blink of an eye it’s gone. We are good people who get crapped on and I am just tired of praying and pleading with God. I know this feeling of anger will go away but right now I am grieving.
 I also can’t stand when people say “it will happen” I have been hearing that for way to long and it gets under my skin, please tell me how you “know” that it will happen? It doesn’t make me feel better when you say it so please stop saying it to me.  I know it’s hard for people to come up with things to say and I don’t expect anyone to say anything to me that will cheer me up, but even just a simple “I hope you are feeling well” works. I really am not trying to be mean or sound rude, but you need to understand that after hearing certain things all the time for 2 years it becomes annoying.
Josh and I have decided to take a break for now and get ready for our move and get settled and then we will start interviewing new doctors. I am sorry if this blog comes off a little angry, I am just not in a good place right now.
Thanks to everyone for the thoughts and prayers, we truly appreciate them.