It’s only January but I can’t help but think that May is slowly creeping up on me, the greatest thing in the world happened to me in May of 2009 and that’s when I married my best friend and the love of my life, but unfortunately May is also a reminder that it’s another year gone by and we are still struggling to have our first baby together. It seems insane to me that it’s been 5 years……I never in my life thought that I would have problems getting pregnant let alone having to sacrifice an ovary, both fallopian tubes and my sigmoid colon for even just a shot at having a baby and now we are finding out that I will have to sacrifice having a child that is genetically mine as well.
Last year after our 4th IVF cycle my doctor suggested that we look into using an egg donor because she felt my eggs were not of quality, she said she was willing to do another IVF cycle using my eggs but felt it would be best to use a donor. I needless to say broke down in her office….this was unfathomable to me; I am (at the time) only 27 years old how can this be happening. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around what she was saying to us, all I kept think was I will never get to look at my child and think “he/she gets that from me” or that Josh loves my eyes and has always said that he hopes our baby has them, it’s all gone...... I will never experience that and I was absolutely devastated! I have become very closed off the past year because of all of this, I stopped talking to a lot of friends and have even closed off to some of my family. My doctor explained that I had to grieve the loss of my genetics. I went through every stage of grief because it literally felt like someone had died, I can’t even describe the pain I felt and still feel.
I asked Dr. W to run labs to make sure that I didn’t have any blood clotting issues and as you know it came back that I in fact had problems. This discovery changed everything for me; I sucked up my tears and thought “I am going to prove Dr. W wrong” (clearly the denial stage of grief). I talked Josh into letting me do ONE more IVF cycle using my eggs, after all Dr. W said there is a cocktail of vitamins that could help improve egg quality so why not. I took those pills every damn day, some of them I had to take 7 pills a day. I did acupuncture and lost more weight, I did EVERYTHING I could possibly do to make this cycle work. We had 30 eggs and only had 2 embryos to transfer with none to freeze, and neither of them implanted. I, still in denial thought “well let’s get a second opinion,” hoping that when I told this new doctor about the terrible cramping I get in my uterus after my IVF cycle he would say “well that is an easy fix, let’s freeze your embryos, let your body heal and then transfer them.” Needless to say that isn’t how it went. He said he is concerned at the fact that we get so many eggs but only end up with 2 embryos and none to freeze, that is not good and something has to be happening after fertilization that is causing them to not grow. He said with my age I should be a great candidate for IVF and should have gotten pregnant by now, something is happening more than likely chromosome wise. They can run test on Josh and I to see if we have any chromosome abnormalities, but the only way to really find out is to do an IVF cycle and do genetic testing on each embryo to look at what is going wrong and then transfer the embryos that don’t have any genetic abnormalities but there is a fair chance that all of them have genetic problems and will not make it past implantation once in my uterus. He pointed out that by the time we paid for everything we would have spent the same amount of money that we would have spent to use an egg donor. He strongly suggests that we use an egg donor because he just doesn’t see it possible that we could have genetic children together. He is also concerned because of the cramping I have had during my IVF cycles, he isn’t sure what it is caused from but wants to do further tests including and endometrial biopsy to make sure I can carry a baby. I am hoping that everything comes back normal so I can at least carry my baby.
So it looks like Josh and I will be looking into using an egg donor, I hope we can find someone with my eye color and dimples. This isn’t cheap either, probably twice the cost of and IVF cycle. Before anyone decides to email me offering their eggs, I want to say I appreciate the offer but Josh and I would prefer to use an anonymous donor. I am still having a very hard time with all of this and I am still grieving but I know that all I need is time and support from family and friends.
Thank you all for your love and support.
SIDE NOTE: I know that many of you are not going to agree with or understand our decision to use donor eggs oppose to adopting, but the fact of the matter is that it is OUR decision what our next step will be during this journey. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I will NOT tolerate negativity or hatred toward my husband or I because of our decision. Remember that we didn’t choose to have infertility it’s a disease and our options of having a family are getting smaller and smaller and if you haven’t been through this then you have NO idea how we feel or how hard all of this all is for us. We only want and need love and positivity.