Sunday, March 13, 2011

8 Things you should NEVER say to someone who is dealing with infertility

1.)    "Relax, just stop thinking about it."
This might be good for someone who doesn’t have infertility issues and yes stress does not help, but when you have medical problems “relaxing” is not much of an option.
2.)    “My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”
This should NEVER be said to someone who is going through this. It’s one thing if you don’t know that they are having problems, but if you do know and have the balls to say it then you need to be slapped because that’s like pouring salt into wounds.
3.)    “Just stop trying, I know a girl who stopped trying and became pregnant right away.”
Please refer to #1. That is great that happened for that person, but if you have a medical condition like I do and every month that goes by that you are not pregnant decreases your chances of ever becoming pregnant well then “stop trying” just won’t work.
4.)    “Why don’t you just adopt?”
Adoption can also be a long process and just as heart breaking, you don’t just go into a store and pick out a baby, adoption can take years, and not to mention it is expensive.
5.)    “You’re still young honey, you have time.”
Age does have a big factor in fertility but, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis at the age of 22 so by this time my infertility already began and was told that I need to have children by the time I was 28 because by then I will need to have a hysterectomy.  Ergo, being young doesn’t mean that you have time.
6.)    “Why don’t you just do IVF?”
In vitro can cost anywhere from $10,000 - $15,000 per attempt (and is not covered by most insurance companies) and they can’t guarantee it will work the first time. I don’t know about you but I don’t have that kind of money just lying around.
7.)    “Just don’t be another Octomom!”
This is just a silly statement. Octomom’s doctor was a moron for doing what he did and most likely a normal RE will not put back more than three embryos. And most of the time IUI’s will result you with multiple babies because when you do an IUI you can’t control how many eggs will be released let alone fertilized opposed to IVF where they have control over everything.
8.)    “You should get a surrogate”
In my case I can carry a baby; I just can’t get pregnant so I don’t need someone else carrying my baby. If I couldn’t carry a baby it is a butt ton of money to get a surrogate.  Let me give you an example that I found on a website for a surrogacy agency.
Application Fee $500
Legal Expenses $15,000
This includes all contract preparation; surrogate selection and monitoring; escrow account supervision; final preparation of the adoption decree, and any other legal work necessary to ensure that the adoption and/or termination of parental rights (if in the IVF/ET program) is successful. If legal work is necessary outside of Indiana, we may need an attorney in that state also represent you, in which case there might be additional legal fees.
Medical Expenses $5,000 - $20,000
This includes physical exams and sperm count of the father; physical exam, HSG test (if necessary), insemination/embryo transfer, prenatal, delivery, postpartum care for the surrogate. Medical costs will vary greatly depending on how comprehensive the surrogate's health insurance policy is, or if she even has one. If she does not, you must purchase a policy for her. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY EXPENSES NOT COVERED BY HER INSURANCE.
Advertising/Administrative Expenses $5,000
$5000 is about what this company pays per woman made available to you. If for some reason you need to select a second surrogate, you are charged a reduced ad fee of $2500. If your surrogate does not pass the psychological testing and you select someone else, no additional fee is charged. This fee also includes the administrative costs of our program [all phone calls (our toll free number is provided), regular mailings, faxes, etc.]
Psychological Fees $1,600-2,000
These are the costs for the psychological evaluation and testing that the surrogate (and her partner if she is involved with someone), will undergo once she is selected. Also included is consultation during and after the pregnancy, if necessary.
Miscellaneous Surrogate Benefits 750 - $2,000
This includes a $500 maternity clothing allowance; a $100,000 term life insurance policy which must be taken out on the surrogate (costs about $150); travel expenses to/from and one of several different cities for the medical procedures; a $100 daily allowance to compensate the surrogate for such things as lost wages, child care, meals, etc.; and attorney's fees for the surrogate's attorney ($300-$500).
Surrogate's Fee 0 - $20,000
According to their website Surrogacy can cost anywhere from $20,000 - $80,000
My point is, when talking to someone who has infertility you need to think before you speak, put yourself in their shoes and understand that anything you say to them, they more than likely have heard it at least 50 times before you.

P.S. I have no idea why some of the background is why, I don't know how to fix it.

1 comment:

  1. Hmmm....Now I'm trying to think back and I'm wondering if I've ever said any of those things to you. Ahhh. People probably just get nervous and don't know what to say. It sucks. Thats all I can say. People used to say things that made me want to punch them after Skylar died. They would say things like "Well, she's with GOD now" Or "She's in a better place" OR "At least you can have more kids". People just don't know what to say when tragic things are happening to other people.